andythanfiction:

“I can’t cook!”

“I don’t have time to look up a million different recipes!”

“There’s no way I’m going to remember all those recipes!”

“I’m just not the kind of person who can make all kinds of fancy meals.”

Meet THE MASTER RECIPE.  This is the Chuck Norris of dinner, the secret of every Iron Chef, what everything else is basically putting frills on. You can literally make infinite meals with this, just by mixing it up.  Think of it as kitchen Mad Libs.

1. Take one serving of A PROTEIN (eggs, tofu, seiten, meat, poultry, fish, beans, lentils, etc.).  Remove ANY PARTS YOU DON’T WANT TO EAT (skin, bones, scales, husks, seeds, guts, etc).  APPLY HEAT using one of the methods in the list below.  If you want to, ADD FLAVORING (sauces, salt, spices, seasoning mixes, peppers, onions, garlic, cheese, whatever). You know it’s done when cutting into it or tasting it looks like the way this food always looks when you eat it.  Stop if it starts to look, smell, or taste burned.

2. Take two servings of VEGETABLE OR FRUIT.  Remove ANY PARTS YOU DON’T WANT TO EAT (stems, seeds, rinds, husks, pods, pits, etc.).  EAT RAW if you like it that way, or APPLY HEAT using one of the methods in the list below.  If you want to, ADD FLAVORING.  You know it’s done when cutting into it or tasting it looks like the way this food always looks when you eat it.  Stop if it starts to look, smell, or taste burned.

3. Take one serving of A STARCH (potatoes, rice, pasta, bread, tortillas, etc.)  If it needs to be cooked, APPLY HEAT using one of the methods in the list below, unless it says something specific on the box, like how pasta wants to be boiled.  If you want to, ADD FLAVORING.  You know it’s done when cutting into it or tasting it looks like the way this food always looks when you eat it.  Stop if it starts to look, smell, or taste burned.

YOU NOW HAVE DINNER

List of ways to APPLY HEAT

FRY - Heat up an oil that says it can be used for frying in a pan or deep fryer to between 350-375 degrees.  Dip the food in it until it’s done.  If you want it to be crispy, dip it in a beaten egg first and then roll it in flour or bread crumbs.  ALWAYS BE CAREFUL WITH HOT OIL, IT CAN SPATTER.

BOIL - Heat a pan of water on high heat until it is bubbling.  Put the food in it until it’s done. 

STEAM - Heat a pan of water on high heat until it’s bubbling.  Put a steamer basket or double boiler on top (ask at your local store that sells pots and pans what that is or look it up online). Put the food in the basket or double boiler.  Put a lid on it until it’s done.

ROAST - Turn the oven to 350.  Put the food in it in a covered pan until it’s done.  

BAKE - Turn the oven to 350.  Put the food in it in an uncovered pan until it’s done.

BRAISE - Turn the oven to 300.  Put the food in it in an uncovered pan in some kind of liquid, like sauce or gravy or broth, until it’s done.  This one takes a while.

STEW - Exactly like boiling, but with a liquid you want to eat, like gravy or tomato juice instead of water, and with the heat on medium-low so that the bubbles aren’t so big. 

SIMMER - Exactly like stew, but with water.

PAN FRY - Put just a little bit of oil in a frying pan, put the heat on medium, add the food, cook until it’s done.

SAUTE - Add almost no oil or use some other kind of liquid and do the same as pan fry.

MICROWAVE - Put the food in the microwave in a microwave-safe container.  Keep adding time until it’s done.  Make sure to turn it every minute or so if your microwave doesn’t have an automatic turntable. 

Yes, there are other cooking methods.  These are the ones that are hardest to botch.